Hello everyone. It's been a long while hasn't it? I feel almost a sense of trepidation in posting again, it feels almost alien to me after such a long time.
This journal is probably gonna be a bit long, so as a TLDR for people, clinical depression is terrible and can make your life feel empty, but with pateint care and love you can bounce back. Expect some new art from me in the next few days. For those interested, read on.
I couldn't tell you what happenned this summer. I feel like something inside me broke, and years upon years of suppressed depression and anxiety got dumped on me all at once. I lost my grandmother this past June, and I believe her passing was a trigger inside me. After that time, I simply stopped drawing. I have gone for almost five months not drawing a single image. Not one thing. For me that was a terrible thing, and I doubt I can accurately convey what sort of existential horror the lack of art in my life gave me.
I have drawn and been active as an amateur artist since I was fifteen, almost half of my entire life. I can say that I have had few days in those years that I have not touched a pencil, or worked on some piece or other. But for five whole months? That was crushing. Entirely defeating. Everything I loved and everything I aspired to felt hollow. I felt like my life was just coasting along day to day without any meaning or content. I have always thrived on bringing a smile to someone. Even if all I can ever amount to is a middling fan-artist, every single person who has ever given me a nice comment, every single person who I have ever made smile gave me hope. But for five whole months I lost all of that.
I sank into a cycle of self-hate and utter loss of purpose. I felt like I would never get out of that cycle. Money, work, the very act of day-today living was extremely difficult. I had many days that I simply couldn't leave my bed due to me just feeling so utterly without purpose.
Thankfully, I was not as alone as I thought.
Thanks to the love and care of my wife (who deserves more credit for my sanity and health than I think I can ever give her) my family and some well-deserved medication. I have slowly clawed my way out of the mire.
I can't say that I am better. Not yet. I still cannot fall asleep without sleeping medication, as I will frequently just wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, or just never fall asleep. I still take anti-depressants and struggle on many days to be productive and feel confident in my abilities again. It's still gonna be a long time until I feel the same satisfaction I used to from my work. But I want to keep working on it, and I want to keep on trying.
I feel a little embarassed, to spill my heart like this, but I feel like it's important. To me personally. For all of my friends and followers, I'm sorry for vanishing, for those I won't see again because I was gone for so long I thank you for all of your support. For those of you who I will see again and who choose to stick around with me, Thank you. Your support means the world to me.
I hope I can still provide people with something different in my own little way, in my own little niche.
Look forward to more from me in the future, because I refuse to give up.